Random Hahas (ie, Jokes)

[Danilus]

Adam and Eve's Perfect Marriage

Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage?

A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!


Wisdom of the Phrases


- If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

- My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

- For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.


Viola Player

A viola player was returning from a gig, and, feeling tired, decided to stop at a roadside cafe for a rest and a cup of coffee. Halfway through the cup he remembered he'd left his viola on the passenger's seat of the car.

He rushed outside... but it was too late... someone had broken the window and put two more violas on the rear seat!


Piano Tuner

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch. "Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."

The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."

The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors did."


Magic Lamp

A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."

The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."

The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."

The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"

Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."

[Eagle_Kiwi]

Excellent post, Danilus - very readable.

Oh, and yes, all pretty clever/funny too.

TY.

[Dr. Nürburg]

[Danilus]

Glad people liked it, will post more if I get more positive replies...

[gnome]

got some good laughs, hahha.

[Danilus]

Drunk Driver

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm too drunk to do that."


Contacts

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"


Tell the Truth

The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr. Jones ,do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"

"I do."

"Now what do you say to defend yourself?"

"Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing."


Raise

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."


Stranded

A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian Islands. He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions.

The reply came back shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."

[Eagle_Kiwi]

Good stuff D.

[Starman]

LOLL!! The drunk driver one is FUNNY

[gnome]

[ICBM]

Gnome,

Read this thread:

http://www.arcadeboss.com/arcade-thread1420.html

Especially number 2. I won't remove your reply this time, but next time I will.
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[Danilus]

Hand In Marriage

A man patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."

"Oh, Daddy," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving Mummy."

"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed the man. "You can take her with you!"


Red Mini Nun

The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffeur for all and sundry. Every Saturday she would drive Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.

All went well till Bank Holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park.

'Don't worry, Mother,' said Sister Lucy. 'You go into the supermarket and I'll drive round the block until you come out.'

Off sped the car, and Reverend Mother bustled round the store quickly, picking up all the necessary goods and then rushing back to the kerbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, fifteen, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?

Eventually Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.

'Excuse me, officer,' said she, 'have you seen a nun in a red Mini?'

'No,' replied the policeman, 'but these days nothing would surprise me!


Getting Forgetful

Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm really glad I don't have that problem, touch wood." She didn't just touch it - she rapped her knuckles enthusiastically on the table and then said, "There's someone at the door, I'll get it!"


How to Shake Up Thanksgiving Dinner

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.

3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.

5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.

6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.


Learning a Lesson

A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.

At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever -- the one you have been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!"

His father frowned, and scolded his son, "I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?"


The Dysfunctional Bears

Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, "Do you want to live with Papa Bear?"

"No," Baby Bear replies, "he beats me."

Then the judge asks, "Do you want to live with Mama Bear?"

"No," Baby Bear replies, "she beats me too."

So the Judge says, "Who do you want to live with then?"

Baby Bear replies, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don't beat anybody."

[sanj]

What's higher then God More evil then the devil The poor have it and the rich don't need it? Nothing

[TALLman2]

Ive got some politically incorrect jokes right here:
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs in the water?
Bob

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, on his head, in the endzone?
Spike

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs going over the fence?
Homer

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs in front of a door?
Mat

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs on a vine?
Barry

What do you call a woman with no arms, one leg against the wall?
Ilene

Ill have more, but i had a brainfart b4 this was written and most of em were lost

[monopoly man 123]

lol very good! i especially like the first one!
hey, i got one:
If i go to the cinema with $100, and i buy a Large popcorn , a medium soft drink, and a pack of m&m's, will i have enough money to still see th movie?
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Hopefully I can spend more time on this great site!

[TALLman2]